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2011 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Report Card

24 Nov

Having been brainwashed by my father at a young age that the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade is a wonderful, worthwhile viewing experience, I’ve watched it pretty much every year since I was a wee one.  I don’t know why I watch it anymore.  I can almost still feel the revolver pointed against my head during those happy family Thanksgiving mornings spent watching together.

As I’m growing older (41 years) and beginning to formulate my own opinions, I’ve decided I needed to prove to myself if this show is actually as wonderful as I was tricked into believing.

Without further adieu, my 2011 Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade Report Card.

Singing Clown College.  A bunch of 20-something’s masquerading as teenagers dancing around and singing while shitty clowns dance and sing with them.  Band leader is a clown.  It was as good as it sounds.  Choreography by Steven Hawking.  Grade: F

NBC Plug for Parenthood TV show with Lauren Grahmn and some other dude.  Lauren Grahmn is hot.  I have no idea what the dude said or who he is.  He’s either a mic grip guy or an actor on the show.  Parenthood is a show I wouldn’t watch if you had me in front of the TV, tied to a chair, with my eyelids sewn open.  Grade: D-

Cast from the Broadway Show Newsies performing King of New York:  Includes tap dancing.  Gay.  Grade: F+

[During a needed commercial break, I make an attempt to turn the TV to the football game pre-show, but the kids rebuff me.  Wife on phone with in-laws.  We can hear Papa in the background screaming the phone is broken.  Nana tells him it’s because he’s holding the phone backwards.  Laughter ensues.  Old people are funny.].

Interview with Elle McPherson while Al Roker reads off cue cards.  She’s still hot for 70, but I could care less what she’s talking about.  She could talk about her ability to queef Singing In the Rain out of her vagina and I’d still be on the edge of my seat.  Grade: A-

Performance from the cast of Broadway show Sister Act.  I don’t need to say anymore.  Nuns are scary.  Happy, singing nuns is just plain stupid.  Grade: F.  Their token “black” nun is prettier than Whoopi Goldberg, but not much.  They could’ve really raised the grade if they got Rhianna.  Grade: F+

Al Roker spots the Mickey Mouse balloon and awkwardly runs down the street to talk to a handler about how Mickey is doing.  Watching Al run is funny enough to warrant my attention to the show thus far.  I wish I could rewind it and watch that highlight again, but sadly I am without DVR at present location.  Grade: B

Performance from Broadway show How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying featuring Harry Potter singing.  No glasses.  No scar.  No Hermione.  It is shitaceous in every sense of the word.  Dumbledore himself couldn’t save this mess.  Grade: F  Dan Fielding from ancient NBC comedy Night Court makes an appearance.  I thought he was dead.  Grade: D-  If the show was aptly named How to Succeed in Being A Douche Without Really Trying, it would get an A+.  Current title is very misleading.  Gay men everywhere would proclaim this as being “too gay”.

Performance from Bette Middler’s Priscilla Queen of the Desert.  Looks like the Gay Pride parade to me.  Grade: C-  The real grade is an F, but I don’t want to get branded as a homophobe.  Bette didn’t even bother to show up.  I’m sure she’s somewhere being really Jewish and eating.

[I start picking dead skin off my feet hoping this will end soon.]

Al Roker interviews a couple actors from new NBC show Grimm.  I heard it’s good.  Grade: C  Al continues to read exactly what’s on the cue cards and not respond to any answer given to the questions he asks the actors.

[Another shitty commercial break.  I don’t believe Justin Bieber will be at the Macy’s Sale beginning at midnight as is portrayed in the ad.  I ponder if 9:42am is too early to start drinking?]

Al Roker interviews lesser actress from NBC show 30 Rock.  She’s got her kid and ugly husband with her.  She looks like she regrets the choice she made to marry this douche and recreate with him.  I don’t even think it’s his kid.  Grade: F  Al shamelessly plugs 30 Rock as the cue cards tell him too.

Performance from Broadway disaster Spiderman: Turn off the Dark featuring the music of U2.  There is an electric guitar lead-in which perks me up and sparks an interest.  Ten seconds later the performance begins, my interest wanes, and goes quickly into the shitter.  Epic fail.  A more appropriate name would be Spiderman: Turn off the Show.  Grade: D only because Spiderman’s martial arts are marginally cool.  But why are there eight Spidermans?  New Grade: F

[9:49am.  How @#$@#$ long is this show?  Insurance company commercial with the theme from Cheers.  Sacrilege!! ]

Radio City Rockettes performance.  All wearing cute red & green Xmas skirts.   It would be better if they weren’t wearing panties.  Grade: C

Some Marching Band.  Seen one, seen em all…. Grade: F

NYPD Motorcycle Unit.  Most likely on their way to kick Occupy Wall Street bums protester’s asses.  Grade: B+

Pilgrim Man & Woman balloon heads.  Creepy & odd.  Grade: B

Tom the Turkey float.  Oh….it’s the C-list actress Debi Mazar sitting on top with her ugly husband.  Grade: C because I like turkey and this is a big one!  Holy schnikes!  It’s Avril Lavigne sitting on the bottom of the float lip-syncing some song I’ve never heard, and hope I never do again.  Grade: F  [I’m hoping a drunk Brody Jenner will stagger out of the crowd and go down on her, but it doesn’t happen.]

[Another commercial.  I head outside for a smoke while I eagerly await the Diary of a Wimpy Kid balloon.  Goody goody gumdrops.]

The Homestead High school Marching Band from Nowhereville, USA.  Includes a flag girl core where they’re dressed like Quakers.  I don’t understand.  Grade: F

An adorable float of cute, cuddly forest creatures dressed as Pilgrims while unknown country singer Rodney Atkins croons some clichéd song about taking a country back road to purify his soul.  This Mayflower sinks quickly….Grade: F

There’s the Diary of Wimpy Kid balloon….and there it goes.  That was hardly worth the wait.  Grade: F

The Sesame Street Float!  Finally some entertainment!  There’s Bob and Maria and the black guy!  If Mr. Hooper’s corpse was out there with them it would be perfect!  Grade: B  That little Elmo is so cute.

[10:12am.  Cee Lo Green is coming up.  Isn’t that the “Fuck You” song guy?  Somehow I’m doubting he’ll sing it, but I can hope!  My wife reports from downstairs that the bird is in!  Spirits rise!]

More balloons!  Who gives a shit.  Grade: F

A Hamburger Helper float?  What?  I love Hamburger Helper!  Unknown Ingrid Michaelson signs a song from the float the strangely features a dead tree, a fire engine, and a house.  I don’t get it.  If they had the Hamburger Helper Hand guy it would raise the grade.  But they didn’t.  This is more like Tuna & Dogshit Helper.  Grade: F

Another High school marching band.  This time from Tennessee.  They all have Copenhagen Chew rings in the back pockets of their band uniforms.  Even the girls.  Matt Lauer proclaims they’re playing the “explosive” song Dynamite.  I’ll have to take his word for it.  My bunghole feels like it’s going to explode.  Grade: F

Ancient hockey players Cam Neely and another guy come by on the Discover Card float.  The float sucks.  They look like they can’t wait to get to a bar.  Cee Lo Green gets jiggy wit’ it and belts out a pretty decent R&B tune I’ll probably never hear again.  It’s OK.  Grade: C  Higher marks could’ve been earned if he sang the “Fuck You” song.

Camp Broadway?  I don’t know what this is.  It’s another float with cute foresty creatures.  They are not dressed like Pilgrims.  I don’t know if this is a different float than the other one.  Some young chick lulls on about not forgetting to make a wish and believe in the power?  I don’t know if she’s talking about Superman, Santa Claus, or meth.  I do know she, along with this float, suck.  Grade: F

Pillsbury Dough Boy balloon time!  Mmmmm Pilsbury Crescent Rolls.  Just like my foster mom used to make.  Grade: A

The reigning American Idol champ, Scotty McCreary stands atop a parade float decorated like a stove from 1910.  American Idol is still on the air?  Grade: F  Float is sponsored by Morton’s Salt!  New grade: D

Skateboarding Kool-Aid man balloon!  I learn 500 million gallons of Kool-Aid are consumed every year!  I surmise the viewing of the parade isn’t a complete loss as I learned something new.  Grade: B

Spongebob Squarepants balloon flies by and Anne Curry proclaims it’s the first square balloon ever in the parade!  It would be impossible for me to care any less.  Grade: F

Hawaiian All State Marching Band comes by.  They’re all dressed in hula skirts.  I’m sure they can’t wait to get out of the concrete jungle and back to beautiful Hawaii.  They look really cold.  Grade A for Hawaii.

Someone named Michael Feinstein comes by on a pirate ship.  This sucks.  Then I notice they’re not like African or Somalian pirates, but MUPPET pirates!  Grade: B.  Would’ve been an A if they made this Feinstein jerkoff walk the plank or decapitated him or something cool like that.  Shoot him out of a cannon into the side of a building maybe?

[10:40am.  Coming up the Power Rangers Ninja or something.  Perfect time for a smoke break here.]

The Power Rangers are here.  And I thought they left about 20 years ago.  I was wrong.  Even my children seem disgusted and puzzled by this spectacle.  I think they’d rather be doing homework.  Grade: F

Hey!  The Earth balloon!  Boring, but it looks nice.  Looks much better than our real earth.  Grade: C-  They neglected to include the multi-mile gyres of trash floating in the oceans worldwide.

A construction site float proudly displays a HESS sign which I guess is … wait for it … a construction company?  A Disney Channelesque band performs a very lame pop song.  Grade: D.  I liked the crane.

The Carmel High School marching band from Indiana comes by!  I’ve been waiting for this.  Not really….. Fortunately, the rifle core is not dressed as Quakers.  Grade: D

The On the Roll Again float of enlarged pull-toys comes by.  Sponsored by Homewood Suites, I’m unable to draw the correlation, but I’ll go with it.  Some young girl named China, whom my 9-year old daughter recognizes and begins bopping to, proudly lip-syncs.  Grade: F  Gaga would’ve been a better choice.

[I hope for the balloon handlers will come by flying Michael Moore, but they don’t.]

Native American Dancers come by doing what they do best!  No, not drink!  They’re doing Indian dances!  Unfortunately, it doesn’t start to rain.  They suck.  Grade: F

The Snoopy Balloon!  Who doesn’t love Snoopy?  Me.  Woodstock however, is right behind him and saves it.  Grade: C

Another High School marching band comes by and they’re all dressed like George Washington.  Grade B for good costumes.

The Mount Rushmore parade float rolls by featuring Mr. America himself, Neil Diamond!  He dances uncomfortably while singing his own Coming to America.  Cherry, Cherry would’ve been my choice, but Neil never disappoints.  The cute kids dressed as little bison is a nice touch.  Grade: B+

[11am.  I’m sure there’s tons of fun & frolic left, but two hours is about all I can do knowing the Packers & Lions are fighting for division supremacy a few short channels away. ]

All in all, I guess my love of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade wasn’t due to the quality, family entertainment, but the memories of watching it with my Dad….regardless of the gun pointed to my head.  I wish he was here today to not enjoy it with me.  (Don’t worry, he’s not dead yet.  He’s just somewhere else today.)

Happy Father’s Day everyone!!  And Thanksgiving too!

Note to NBC Executives:  To improve next years broadcast, I’d like to suggest reuniting the 1977 cast of Saturday Night Live including the Late John Belushi.  Get them all drunk and coked up and let them ad-lib the hosting duties.  I think it would make it better.

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The 4th of July … and the American Idiot

4 Jul

While many Americans celebrate our country’s Independence today, I’d like to call attention to the huge population of American dipshits we have living amongst us without the slightest idea of what independence is.  Many of these imbeciles, are the folks eating hotdogs, blowing their fingers off, getting hammered, and most likely calling in to work sick in the morning if by some miracle they’re gainfully employed.  They’re also one of the reasons why this country is so fucked up.

Independence is:

  • Having a child you planned to have because you understand the ramifications of having one, are in a longterm, healthy relationship,  and can afford Pampers & daycare.
  • Moving out of your parent;s house and maybe take care of yourself for a change. You’re 28. It’s time.
  • Planning for the future.
  • Having a full time job and managing to not get yourself fired.
  • Buying your own shit without using imaginary money.
  • Having priorities. The next time you’re shoplifting, ask yourself this:  Do you need the new Little Jon CD or formula for your kid?  Which one is the actual priority.
  • Understanding financing and buying a house you can actually afford.
  • Paying your bills on time. Bills are not surprises that randomly show up in the mail.  Get a calendar and learn to use it.
  • Realizing that being a character on Teen Mom is not a career choice.

I’m having trouble celebrating independence when all I see are more and more American’s living off the government tit and making themselves more and more dependent and running away from their responsibilities.  The continual cycle of idiots bearing and raising new ones will pretty much guarantee this is one of the last 4th of July’s we’ll have to celebrate.  So live it up!

Happy 4th of July!

Fatherhood. What I’ve learned…

18 Jun

Pros of being a father:

  • Kids make great slaves and love to fetch beers.
  • Daughters think you walk on water, even if you sink.
  • You’re a hero to your son, even if you’ve never slayed a dragon.
  • Seeing “pride” on your kid’s face makes you feel like it’s your own.
  • Get lots of credit for teaching easy sh*t:  tying shoes, throw a baseball, ride a bike, belch the A,B,C’s, etc.
  • Brag about how awesome your kids are and show them off
  • Kids love cookies & ice cream for breakfast and understand why mom doesn’t need to know.
  • You get to bang their mother (or at least you got to when she was still hot.)
  • Watching kids score goals, hit homers, make plays, and earn awards never, ever gets old.
  • Get to watch old movies you used to love and share them with someone you love.
  • Create new Metallica fans.
  • Children don’t let you forget how important it is to play no matter how old you feel.
  • Easy to hold under a blanket after you let a massive fart.
  • Lots and lots of  hugs.
  • Being called Daddy has the same sincerity as someone saying “Your Royal Majesty…”
  • Keeping current with who’s cool, and who’s not.
  • Some of your kid’s friends will have smokin’ hot moms.
  • Turning tears into smiles.
  • Seeing your kids do something you taught them perfectly.
  • Easy to kick ass at Monopoly cause kids will take any deal, no matter how stupid it is.
  • Chicks don’t find many things sexier than a good father.

Cons

  • Your kids grow up.

I sure as hell hope I taught them well.

Happy Father’s Day to all the great Dad’s in the world including my own.