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The Zoo – Life in the office: The Cat Lady

21 Jun

Your guide to the fascinating world of the cubicle savanna and the creatures therein…

The Cat Lady

Scientific Name:  Gonna  Livealoneus.

Physical Characteristics:  Almost exclusively female, males do exist.  Size usually related to age.  Older Cat Lady’s generally are plumper than the younger ones.  Commonly wears costume jewelry, shitaceous sweaters, and comfortable shoes.  Generally slow movers with bad backs due to continual litter box cleaning.  Overzealous application of Avon perfume.  Can smell like urine, but not common.  Glasses.

Habitat:  Lives in an unpretentious cubicle easily identifiable by cat photos completely covering every inch of available wall surface.  There are no photos of humans anywhere to be found in Cat Lady’s den.  (One exception is Cat Lady may have a small framed photo of its mother).  May have a dish of fragrant potpourri.  Cheap hand lotion.  Pencils scattered with chewed erasers.  If your office supply closet is out of thumb tacks, there is commonly a den nearby.

Behavior:  Can generally be found talking about its cats, taking time off to go to the vet, complaining about the high cost of the vet, rolling lint brushes on themselves. applying too much perfume, organizing the church women’s group on company time, caring for its mother, and snacking.

Diet:  Erasers, Meow Mix, decaf coffee with cream,  Lean Cuisines

Reproduction:  Extremely rare.  Cat Lady’s rarely reproduce and instead enjoy an asexual relationship with their furry counterparts.  (It has been suggested in some circles that a commensal sexual relationship may exist that involves tunafish, but has never been proven.)

Numbers:  Low.  Larger offices will generally have at least one.

Danger:  None.  Completely harmless.

Status:  Rare, but not endangered.  Population remains constant even with such a low rate of reproduction

Distant Relative:   The Dog Lady

Part 2 of this exciting series coming soon…