Archive | Social Networking RSS feed for this section

“I love pizza!!” and other classic Facebook posts.

15 Jun

When you post lame shit as your Facebook status,  you’re basically just “shitting up” the wall.  I’m scanning that wall busily looking for the next viral YouTube video, gotta-have Groupon, or Hello Kitty convention coming to Seattle.  When I read your shitty update, I have to pause and decide 1) if we can stay Facebook friends, 2) why there isn’t a dislike button, and 3) what I’d say if someone asked me why I’m friends with you.

To modernize, the not-so-great Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a Redneck…” bit:

If your posts resemble these, you might be an idiot:

  • I love pizza!!  (Who doesn’t fucktard?)
  • Jolene Daughtry is swimming!!  (With your laptop?  I doubt it…liar.)
  • Larry Hodgkins is in Delaware!!  (Sure you are.  If you really were in Delaware, you would never end that sentence with an exclamation point dumbass.)
  • What’s that big, round, bright thing in the sky?!  (This is something everyone who lives in Seattle thinks is funny to post on a rare sunny day.  It isn’t.  It’s dumb.)
  • Stacey Simpkins is wishing the greatest mom in the world a Happy Birthday!! (You lazy bitch.  Pick up the phone and call her!  Not to mention, your mom is probably NOT the greatest mom in the world.  I certainly know it’s not my mom, but the odds that it’s actually yours are just astronomical.  Next year spell her name out so we know who you’re talking about.)
  • Kristen Bleckman just got done with Extreme Morning Boot Camp!  Yeah!! (Nobody likes to see this shit and feel guilty because they spent their morning workout sleeping in.  We all hope  you get hit by a car walking out.)
  • Can anyone recommend a good 5-star hotel on the beach in Maui?  (Really?  You need a GOOD 5-star hotel?  Fuck you showoff.  Defriend.)
  • I wish I was still on vacation.  (Yeah, I wish you were still on vacation too.  Preferably without your computer.)
  • Waking up to the pitter patter of two pairs of little feet is priceless.  (Apparently you’re not a parent….it’s actually a big pain in the ass.  Shut up and go back to sleep.)
  • Anyone who quotes song lyrics as their status update is probably an idiot.  (I’m actually guilty of this, except I don’t post lyrics from shitty songs.  Everyone else forgot about the Backstreet Boys.  But you just couldn’t let us forget.  Could you, shithead?)
  • I’m soooooo sleeeeeepy…..  (Defriend.  This electronic relationship is going nowhere fast.)
  • Ahhhh…..the couch 🙂   (Ahhh….you’re stupid.)
  • Is anyone else getting spam from me?  (Uhh…what do you call this?)
  • Please pray for my cat.  He’s having surgery tomorrow.  (If I’m going to waste time praying to a pretend God, I’m certainly not praying for Mr. Sparkles.  I’m praying for Lay-Z-Boy to start making recliners out of pizza thank you very much.)

To be continued…