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James Bond – From Russia With Love

6 Jul

Release Date: 1963

The Bond: Sean Connery

Title sequence: Much more stylish and Bond-like than Dr. No.  We have women belly dancing and a cool effect that distorts the words when a body part moves in front of them.  Pretty good for 1963.  Grade: A

Getting laid: Gets first tail about the 20 minute mark in his car.  With the same chick he nailed at the beginning of Dr. No.  Girlfriend?  Also, not positive, but it’s heavily insinuated that he nails two gypsy women.  I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and count those as a menage-a-trios for extra credit!  Nails our heroine too obviously for a total of four Bonadlicious babes!  Grade: A (just for a 3-way with gypsys)

Story:  Excellent story line in this one.  SPECTRE comes up with a plan to pit the Russians against the English unknowingly in their near brilliant plan to acquire the Russian top secret decoder machine and then sell it back to the Russians along with enacting revenge on Bond for the killing of Dr. No by not only assassinating him, but disgracing him in the process.  Grade: A

Bad Guy:  They never come out and say it, but it’s Bond’s nemesis Blofeld, a.k.a. SPECTRE #1.  Also featured are #3, Rosa Klebb, defected Russian colonel, and #5, Kronsteen, chess master and high-ranking SPECTRE asshole.  This is the  guy who came up with the “foolproof” plan.  Whoops….  Grade: B

Lair:  SPECTRE Island.  A secret compound used to train SPECTRE agents in the arts of terrorism, extortion, torture and assassination to name a few.  Mayhem at it’s finest!  Grade: A-

Henchmen:  Red Grant, ace SPECTRE assassin who surprisingly has to cover Bond’s back through the movie protecting him, unbeknownst to Bond, to make sure SPECTRE’s plan goes “according to plan.”  Nice fight on the Orient Express. Grade: A-

Main Babe: Tatiana Romanova.  WOW.  She would be a stunner by today’s standards.  Grade: A

Cool Spy Shit: Serve a drink in a glass with a secret message printed on the paper coaster.  Cool!  1963 car phone??  Nice!  Q makes his first appearance with a standard issue Double-0 briefcase which conceals a cache of spare ammo, throwing knife, fold-able sniper  rifle, and a tear gas booby trap!  Brilliant!  Tape recorder disguised as a camera.  And the ole spring loaded spike in the boot, laced with fast acting poison, of course!  Grade: B

Synopsis:  This movie kicked ass.  Great story, villains, action, location and babes.  Grade: A

Fun Fact: Upon its first release, From Russia with Love doubled Dr. No‘s gross by earning $12.5 million (that’s about $95 mil by today’s standards).  Can you smell the franchise?  Bond in it’s infancy.

Next Up:  Goldfinger


James Bond – Dr. No

3 Jul

Ahhh….summer is here.  My children are off to camps and long visits to grandparents houses.  No Scout meetings, PTA meetings, homework helping, Girl Scout cookie selling, fundraising, getting kids to and from football, soccer, gymnastics, choir, etc., etc.

This is my summer vacation (even though I still have to go to work) and I need a good project.  What better than a James Bond film festival in honor of 50 spyrific years of Bond being marked here in 2012.

And what better way to start than the 1962 original, Dr. No.

Release Date: 1962

The Bond: Sean Connery

Title sequence: Not too clever.  Simple.  Silhouetted Jamaican dancers gyrate to Jamaican beats.  Quite lame by later Bond standards.  Grade: F

First gets laid: Takes him until about the 17 minute mark to bed the first babe.  Not too bad, but could do better.  Chick is pretty hot.  Winds up scoring with three chicks in the flick.  Grade: B+

Story:  Nice and quick.  Moves steadily scene to scene with no needless mucking about.  Bond finds Dr. No screwing with American rockets using a super radio beam to interrupt transmissions and crash them.  What a dick!  Grade: A

Bad Guy: Dr. No.  A pencil neck geek who’s the treasurer for SPECTRE.  He’s got a sour grapes complex.  Brilliant scientist, but the neither the West nor the East wanted his talents.  Like a little baby, he’s going to get them back, and make them pay starting with the West.  What a little bitch.  Only cool thing is his super strong metal hands.  Grade: C

Lair:  Dr. No’s bauxite mine is just a cover for his super rad domain.  Built into a mountain side and deep underground.  Complete with decontamination chamber (from all the radiation on the island due to its own nuclear reactor power source), submarine type hatches that are a pretty copper color and open right into the mountain caverns.  Beautifully decorated with lovely, accommodating maids.  Great guest chambers and prison cells too!  Nice aquarium.  You could throw a kick ass party in this place!  Grade: A

Henchmen:  Sadly none.  Grade: F

Main Babe: Honey Ryder.  Whoa mama….mega hot.  Like a young Pam Anderson before she turned 25 and got old.  Grade: A

Cool Spy Shit: M takes his Beretta and replaces it with the Walther PPK.   Cyanide suicide capsule in filter of cigarette.  Powder on briefcase locks and placing a single hair over closet door crack to determine if anyone’s been in his room during his absence.  Geiger counter which is cool in 1962, now hardly a second notice seeing one on Ebay.  The “dragon”, otherwise known as a tank equipped with headlights and a flame thrower that the locals mistake for a mythical beast.  Bond sets these dumb yokels straight.  Grade: C+

Synopsis:  It’s a sweet flick and the nostalgia factor runs high.  It’s got it all minus a henchmen and an exciting boss battle.  Dr. No’s metal hands become his demise.  He’s pretty much a complete pussy.  Overall Grade:  B-

Fun Fact: When I was a little kid, dialing up bulletin boards and trading pirated games with a 300 baud modem on my Apple II computer in 1981, my handle was “Dr. No”.  I love James Bond.

Next Up: From Russia with Love

Green Lantern … eh, more like Green Lighter

17 Jun

Ok.  I wasn’t expecting much.  And I didn’t get much.

Overall, a pretty good attempt, but there were a few problems:

  • I think this movie was shot to be about two hours, 20 minutes, and some shit monkey at the studio made them cut 1/2 hour out at the last minute.  There’s several “How the hell did he know…” and “But, what about….” moments that trip up an already shaky script.
  • Bring your yarn & knitting needles.  It takes some time to get going and if you miss the first 20-30 minutes, you didn’t miss anything.
  • When Ryan Reynolds puts on the green mask, he immediately looks exactly like Ben Stiller.  I don’t have the slightest clue how this happens as Ryan Reynolds is a good looking dude.  Stiller looks like a zoo animal with down-syndrome.  It’s wierd, you be the judge.
  • There’s very little hardcore super hero throwdown action.

Good shit:

  • The chick in it is SMOKIN’.  I don’t know who she is but I gotta “bone” up on her.  <wink>

That’s about it!  Oh, and Ryan Reynolds makes a pretty good Green Lantern and the big villian/monster thing is pretty scary.,20741/

Pawn Stars! Rockstars … or posers?

16 Jun

I love Pawn Stars on A&E!

If you haven’t seen it, you must check it out.  However, I’ve become a little critical of the opening segment where the camera gawks at the boys as they stroll along coolly dressed in black looking like total badasses.  The Old Man removes his hat in an obligatory slo-mo shot, a scowling Rick carries a tray of jewelry, Big Hoss pulls up on a chopper like some hillbilly goomba who accidentally showed up on the set of the Sopranos….and then the show starts and these guys are a bunch of schlumps.  Lovable schlumps mind you, but schlumps none-the-less.

Let me explain:

The Old Man – What the hell is this thing?  OPEN YOUR EYES MAN!  Looks like The Creature from the Black Lagoon, if it was human.  His eyes are just little tiny slits in a weathered old face that time has wiped its ass with.  They’re so narrow, Asian people exclaim “How do dis guy see?!?  Me no know!!”  And he’s a grumpy, son-of-a-bitch too.  I think this guy was the prototype for the Thing from Fantastic Four.  While the opening credits portray him to look like some hustlin’ big daddy hanging out at Bad Bad Leroy Brown’s Pool Hall in the shittiest part of Detroit, he instead is a tired old man who spends most of the show sleeping in front of his computer which he uses to play a never-ending game of solitaire.  Badass?  No.  Schlump?  Yes.  In every sense of the word.

Rick – Ok.  In the opening scene, he’s just a frownin’, frumpy middle aged dude.  Looks like a raging alcoholic and potential wife beater.  Then the show starts and he’s this teddy bear caught in a power struggle between his kid and his father.  While he’s “the boss”, he’s clearly not in charge of jack shit.  I like the fact that he seems to know everyone.  People bring the weirdest shit into the store, but Rick’s got the city clocked and knows every single expert on everything in greater Las Vegas.  Got an ancient Ethiopian vibrator that runs on moon crystals?  He knows a guy who can verify it’s authenticity.  How about a Ming Dynasty peanut de-sheller that runs on brain waves.  Ricks got a guy and he’ll tell you what it’s worth.  Civil war armpit hair trimmer?  Yup.  He can authenticate it, and hustle you for 20% of it’s retail value so you can go score some crack.  I love Rick.

Big Hoss/Corey – Now in the opening credits, Rick introduces his Neanderthal son as “Big Hoss”.  However, I’ve never heard him once referred to as “Big Hoss” on the show.  Nor, would I ever refer to my son as “Big Hoss”.  To me, he would always be Little Hoss, regardless of size.  Right?  I think the network probably made Rick refer to him as “Big Hoss” for the opening voiceover and when Rick signed the contract, he forgot to ink an “artistic differences” clause.  Lesson learned.  Anyways  the kid, Corey is his Christian name, is a big, huge, bumbling doofus.  He seems to think he’s swinging a bigger dick than anyone else in the room, but I’d be willing to bet it’s just average when fully engorged.  Personality seems a bit lacking and you can tell this kid was setup from the day he was born.  Eh…maybe he’s just shy.  Seems like a wanna-be toughguy mama’s boy to me.  He’s kind of a douche, but also a schlump.  Lastly, this kid is cursed as he’s the spitting image of the Old Man minus a few hundred years.  If it weren’t for his family, he’d be guarding the door at Cheetah’s I guarantee it.  Don’t get me wrong though, I like him.

Chumlee – The most lovable schlump on the show is really the star.  Chum’s the only one on the show with a real personality.  Unfortunately, it’s the personality of a slow-witted 8-year-old, but he wears it so well.  I did some research on this one and I’m not certain, but I have a strong suspicion that Chumlee is actually a classically trained stage actor named Charles Schlumlee from Rhode Island who mysteriously vanished about 10 years ago.  Legend has it he’s the sole heir to the Skippy Peanut Butter fortune.

The world needs more Pawn Stars…