Monday, 1/20, 6pm
I don’t know if this post will ever make the light of day. I hope it does. I really hope it does.
I’m getting older. For the first time in my entire life, I’m starting to feel it. I’m 43. I’m not really old. Not yet anyways. And I would like to believe I have a hell of a lot of good years left. I have a truly amazing and tolerant wife of 18 years. I have been a good husband, but a long ways from great and she really, really loves me. No other woman on earth could put up with all of my B.S. I’m lucky to have her and I really take it for granted.
I have two incredible kids. They’re both very bright, confident, and seem to be very happy. We spoil them. Never have had to resort to spanking them (although I’m totally not against it. They just haven’t been bad enough yet is what I tell them. And because my 15 year old could probably beat the shit out of me if truth be told.) Anywyas, I love to spend time with them and they are two of the most important things in my life.
Now notice, I didn’t say the “most” important things. I did that on purpose. I have learned that the most important thing on earth is me. Now mind you, that does sound selfish, but hear me out. If I don’t take care of myself and strive to be the best I can be, I can not be the best husband, father, friend, employee, brother, etc., etc. to anyone.
I’m tired. I’m really tired. I’m always tired.
I’ve been lucky. I have been with the same company for 24 pretty wonderful years. I have a really great career. I’m very happy and hope I can retire in another 10-15 years. I think I can. I’ve been good with managing money and my wife and I have built a very good life for ourselves.
I have an amazing group of friends who I am very close with. I consider them my brothers & sisters. This is one of the most valuable things I have in life and these people are all true blessings to me.
However, along the way, on what’s been a really rich & rewarding life, I’ve really let myself go. I’m terribly overweight. I smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day. I don’t drink frequently, but when I do drink, I drink a lot. I rarely exercise. And generally, I just don’t seem to have energy to do anything anymore. Which is a real pain, and really starting to weigh on me, as even though I’ve been obese for many, many years it hasn’t impeded me as much as it does others who are my size. I volunteer a lot of time in the community, love to travel and get out, and until I became so I unfit I don’t feel safe doing it anymore, I love scuba diving here in the cold, murky waters of the Pacific Northwest USA. I really, really miss that.
Anyways, that’s enough of a preamble. You know enough about me. I’m hopeful I can look back on these words someday and say “I did it! I got my life back on track to where I want it to be!” I really hope I can. And this was the first step on the journey of what’s going to be a thousand miles. I’m not happy with myself anymore and for the first time in my life, it scares me how far I am from where I want to be. I hope I can find the courage to post this to my blog someday in the hopes it will inspire someone else. But I have to lead by example and prove to myself I can do it before I’m willing to click the “publish” button on this blog. For now it stays with me.
I hope to get moving very soon and post an update with some progress.