The sun has been up a few hours this morning and I head to Safeway with my boy to pick up some food for our Boy Scout outing this weekend. While walking through the parking lot I spy a boy/man sitting on a bench enjoying his breakfast of a Reese Peanut Butter cup, Red Bull, and a Marlboro. I ask him if his mother would approve. He makes a noise that sort of resembles an uncomfortable laugh and we walk on by. I weep for the future. I’m sure he’s flipping me off as we disappear into the store.
Once inside I explain to my boy we need english muffins and mini cereal boxes for our share of his patrol’s food and invite him to lead the way. Surprisingly he charges off and puzzles me as he takes a left turn down the frozen food aisle and proudly stops at the case. “What the fuck is this?” I ask him. He proudly points to the sign clearly reading “breakfast” above my head. I weep for the future. He’s a dipshit, but I kind of understand why he came down the aisle now. I gently explain to him that he’s an idiot, but it’s not his fault because he takes after his mother. I tell him that bread products are generally with the bread. I don’t shop so I’m not sure how I know this, but I am able to guide him safely to the bakery none-the-less. The muffins stand before us in all their glory and I explain to him things about pricing, flavors, etc. He’s buying for 10 kids. He immediately bypasses the obvious packs of 10-muffins I was guiding him to pick up and instead picks up the 6 pack of muffins for twice the price of the 10-pack. A nice lady is standing by and she overhears what I’m saying to him and jumps into our conversation. I’m pretty sure it’s just because she wants to bang me so I let her have her fun. She points out a 10-pack that costs half as much as his 6-pack. He nods, smiles, does the customary 12-year-old “Uh-huh, uh-huh.” Now I ask him “Which one do you want?” He picks up the same $4 six-pack of muffins. I weep for the future. I correct him and we grab the 10-pack and make our way to the cereal isle.
Once we locate it, he’s quickly able to decide that the only package of cereal mini packages they carry is the right one to buy. I’m not weeping this time, but I’m not real impressed either.
We pay and walk out. The same boy/man who forgot everything his mother told him about the importance of a healthy breakfast gives me a nod and tells us to have a nice day. What a sweet kid. Maybe I shouldn’t judge so quickly and think this kid might be ok. A few more steps out of this boy/mans earshot range, my kid lets a gigantic fart that sets off car alarms. He breaks into a maniacal laugh. As I bust up with him, I continue weeping for the future on the inside….
All kids are idiots.