Pawn Stars! Rockstars … or posers?

16 Jun

I love Pawn Stars on A&E!

If you haven’t seen it, you must check it out.  However, I’ve become a little critical of the opening segment where the camera gawks at the boys as they stroll along coolly dressed in black looking like total badasses.  The Old Man removes his hat in an obligatory slo-mo shot, a scowling Rick carries a tray of jewelry, Big Hoss pulls up on a chopper like some hillbilly goomba who accidentally showed up on the set of the Sopranos….and then the show starts and these guys are a bunch of schlumps.  Lovable schlumps mind you, but schlumps none-the-less.

Let me explain:

The Old Man – What the hell is this thing?  OPEN YOUR EYES MAN!  Looks like The Creature from the Black Lagoon, if it was human.  His eyes are just little tiny slits in a weathered old face that time has wiped its ass with.  They’re so narrow, Asian people exclaim “How do dis guy see?!?  Me no know!!”  And he’s a grumpy, son-of-a-bitch too.  I think this guy was the prototype for the Thing from Fantastic Four.  While the opening credits portray him to look like some hustlin’ big daddy hanging out at Bad Bad Leroy Brown’s Pool Hall in the shittiest part of Detroit, he instead is a tired old man who spends most of the show sleeping in front of his computer which he uses to play a never-ending game of solitaire.  Badass?  No.  Schlump?  Yes.  In every sense of the word.

Rick – Ok.  In the opening scene, he’s just a frownin’, frumpy middle aged dude.  Looks like a raging alcoholic and potential wife beater.  Then the show starts and he’s this teddy bear caught in a power struggle between his kid and his father.  While he’s “the boss”, he’s clearly not in charge of jack shit.  I like the fact that he seems to know everyone.  People bring the weirdest shit into the store, but Rick’s got the city clocked and knows every single expert on everything in greater Las Vegas.  Got an ancient Ethiopian vibrator that runs on moon crystals?  He knows a guy who can verify it’s authenticity.  How about a Ming Dynasty peanut de-sheller that runs on brain waves.  Ricks got a guy and he’ll tell you what it’s worth.  Civil war armpit hair trimmer?  Yup.  He can authenticate it, and hustle you for 20% of it’s retail value so you can go score some crack.  I love Rick.

Big Hoss/Corey – Now in the opening credits, Rick introduces his Neanderthal son as “Big Hoss”.  However, I’ve never heard him once referred to as “Big Hoss” on the show.  Nor, would I ever refer to my son as “Big Hoss”.  To me, he would always be Little Hoss, regardless of size.  Right?  I think the network probably made Rick refer to him as “Big Hoss” for the opening voiceover and when Rick signed the contract, he forgot to ink an “artistic differences” clause.  Lesson learned.  Anyways  the kid, Corey is his Christian name, is a big, huge, bumbling doofus.  He seems to think he’s swinging a bigger dick than anyone else in the room, but I’d be willing to bet it’s just average when fully engorged.  Personality seems a bit lacking and you can tell this kid was setup from the day he was born.  Eh…maybe he’s just shy.  Seems like a wanna-be toughguy mama’s boy to me.  He’s kind of a douche, but also a schlump.  Lastly, this kid is cursed as he’s the spitting image of the Old Man minus a few hundred years.  If it weren’t for his family, he’d be guarding the door at Cheetah’s I guarantee it.  Don’t get me wrong though, I like him.

Chumlee – The most lovable schlump on the show is really the star.  Chum’s the only one on the show with a real personality.  Unfortunately, it’s the personality of a slow-witted 8-year-old, but he wears it so well.  I did some research on this one and I’m not certain, but I have a strong suspicion that Chumlee is actually a classically trained stage actor named Charles Schlumlee from Rhode Island who mysteriously vanished about 10 years ago.  Legend has it he’s the sole heir to the Skippy Peanut Butter fortune.

The world needs more Pawn Stars…

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